There’s a better way…

Introduction

Interpersonal conflict is inevitable as life is not arranged so that everyone gets along.

Yet it is beyond simply a social inconvenience because navigating it successfully is a part of the spiritual arena as well as the terrain of our moral testing.

I’ve realised that it can quite often be resolved amicably and smoothly through establishing key ground rules and being open to seeking solutions beyond the initial two opposing positions or ideas.

In a world where tensions seem to be rising, how we relate to others and deal with conflict gives us the opportunity to practise compassion, empathy, and justice in our search for solutions and reconciliation.

In this article, we will cover the physical, psychological, social, and spiritual aspects of interpersonal conflict. Being aware of our sensations, emotions, thoughts and ego means that we can resolve matters much more wisely, with justice and grace.

What Conflict Reveals

How we navigate conflict can often reveal more about us than the other person.

هينا لينا
To be easy going and lenient

Personality and recognising our own patterns are key factors in how we handle conflict. For me, I tend towards agreeableness, harmony, and peace.

However, I realised that there was a danger here in suppressing, repressing, and continually putting aside anger or one’s own view/wants. Finding conflict frustrating is often a result of this temperament, as we want everyone to get along, yet this idealism/gift runs contrary to reality and it can turn into a trap of complacency. There is a cost to this self-silencing as it takes a psychological toll.

I chose to balance this side with working on assertiveness and expressivness in order to achieve more successful outcomes.

In my experience of navigating conflict whilst working in more serious busy hospital environments of theatre surgeries and A&E to the somewhat less serious, personal sphere (e.g. thermostat battles), it has become clear that successfully resolving conflict often centres around communication, understanding, and attitude.

The strengths of this balanced approach is one where understanding and compassion are unified with working towards a just and fair outcome.

Spending time on understanding our temperament and areas of development thus pays huge dividends.

From Adversary to Ally — Reframing and Shared Solving

The highest good is like water.
Water benefits all things and does not contend … He alone does not contend, hence there is no blame. (Tao Te Ching, Ch. 8)

Rather than approaching it from a combative perspective of my way is right and your way is wrong, the better approach is to honour the genuine wants and needs of both parties. Rather than conflict being an area of punishment or adversarial combat, our mindset can be one of informing, negotiating, and resolving differences to come to a win-win solution. This unlocks the way to finding more solutions than just the initial 2.

Even if it is a behaviour, belief, or attitude, separating this from the individual allows space and emotional distance, which can in turn create safety, as we no longer see the other person as a threat or enemy.

The Body in Conflict — Checking Yourself

Acknowledging the physical side and environment of interpersonal conflict is key to understanding and resolving it.

The way we position ourselves, as well as the way we notice the signals from our own body, can have a huge impact on the outcome of an interaction. Quite often, facing the other party head-on can create an adversarial dynamic of me versus you, where the other person is seen, or can be seen, as an obstacle.

Standing, sitting, or walking side by side changes the physical as well as emotional geometry to allow both parties to work towards a solution together, where the challenge is there to be solved by both people.

Being mindful of the time, manner, and place of discussions smooths the way to success. A discussion that has devolved into an argument in a crowded and noisy shopping mall, under harsh lighting is the least favourable place to move towards a healthy resolution.

A softened posture and a smile can change the scene. Starting with basics, being mindful of hand gestures, facial expression and body position really matters when establishing a peaceful and cooperative atmosphere (rather than fight, flight or freeze).

This can be done by noticing, for example, if our chest is tightening, whether our face has contorted, whether our shoulders are holding tension, or whether our head is feeling heavy or buzzing.

Discharging this extra energy of frustration, irritation, or contempt can be done by sighing out whilst exhaling, shaking our limbs loose, or simply noticing how we’re breathing. Rather than a highly charged state where emotions can add fuel to the fire, it helps to approach the situation from a more balanced position.

Racing to Be Understood

We’re often left thinking:

  • Why aren’t they getting it?
  • Why can’t they understand?
  • How could they be so stubborn?

It’s strange how both parties are often thinking along these lines: If only the other person would truly listen and understand…

In our race to be understood, these situations occur commonly as one person tries to explain the situation from their side, while the other party is trying to convey their emotion and how upset they are, both are at risk of getting tied in a battle of ego.

Stephen Covey reminds us that it’s better to try and truly understand the other person’s point of view in both thought and emotion before trying to put forward our take on a situation.

It’s important to define exactly what’s being discussed and whether a solution needs to be found, or whether the other person is simply needing to vent and wants the other person to listen. This can be done simply by asking the other person how they would like to be supported.

The challenge lies in jumping to our own point of view due to a range of reasons, either in order to justify our behaviour or due to the impatience of wanting to be heard first.

By seeking instead to reflect back and paraphrase what the other party is trying to convey, and checking if we have understood it correctly, it means that the other person can feel truly heard and understood, as well as respected rather than dismissed or invalidated.

In Becoming a Person, this is outlined further by Carl Rogers, in which he recommends neither agreeing, disagreeing, nor evaluating the point of the other person, but putting aside the need to rebut or interpret until the person agrees that it their meaning has been reflected accurately.

In order to do this, it is necessary to be aware of our own emotions — mainly fear, disgust, or anger —and put them to one side whilst we fully listen and tune in to the other person. When the time is right, if these emotions still need to be expressed, it can be done with as little charge as possible.

The final step is then conveying our view clearly and calmly.

Mind Reading – Caution!

Trying to mind-read, psychoanalyse intentions, or project assumptions is also incredibly dangerous territory to go into because, through distortion and mental filtering, we can impart intentions that are malicious when tiredness, loneliness, or hurt might be the more accurate understanding of the situation.

Many fights are not born from malice, but from feeling stressed out, anxious or in pain. Many conflicts are not about the presenting complaint, but about feeling threat: threats to dignity, belonging, safety or control.

Using both our heads — rationality and communication techniques — and our heart, tuning into emotions and intuition to understand the situation, we are better able to navigate conflict.

So, in the case of projecting our emotions or transferring them from our own selves or past experiences, this can be examined before it occurs, or if it does occur, it can be amended.

Acknowledging pride and vanity is also key, as we can check ourselves before we get stuck on a position of being right, acting to preserve our own dignity rather than the truth or finding a solution.

To borrow a point made by Dr. Abdullah Rothman in Developing an Islamic model of Psychotherapy: a person can be more pig-headed, i.e. stubborn, or they can be like a lion, where pride gets in the way of acknowledging the truth. When pride or our own self-esteem seems to be under attack, we can shift into a mode of what John Gottman also terms defensiveness or stonewalling.

De-escalating with Language

“ادع الى سبيل ربك بالحكمة والموعظة الحسنة وجادلهم بالتي هي احسن”
“Call people to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good teaching… and discuss with them in the most beautiful way..” (16:125)

In order to reduce the chances of ego or self image impacting a discussion occurring, we can make use of more neutral terminology, avoiding the use of you statements and adopting I statements instead, e.g. I felt… when … occurred.

Using less accusatory phrasing can allow the other person to accept their part without pressure or blame, as they no longer feel under attack. Our efforts to pin someone down can often escalate conflict, whereas softening phrasing and depersonalising can allow disclosure.

Using words that indicate frequency is also an area to be mindful of, as overgeneralising with all-or-nothing thinking — such as you always do this or you never do this — quite often misrepresents the situation, is usually inaccurate and creates a courtroom. Instead of accusing the person by saying ‘you never listen !’ we can try ‘ I felt unheard/dismissed when I got interrupted’.

Quite often, one party can start with a barrage of criticisms, where it can lead to the other person feeling under attack and the horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling can ride forth. Here it is important to stick to working through one topic at a time and convey concerns in short, concise statements which can be relayed back accurately (without dismissing, minimising or invalidating).

The option to ‘time out’ or take a break (whilst nominating a time to resume the discussion so that it isn’t used to avoid matters) can be crucial to reduce irreparable damage being done.

Noticing our impulses or thoughts around labelling — calling the other person names such as lazy or stupid — assassinates their character. In their essence (fitrah) the other person is not defined by such derogatory terms which can foster humiliation and disrespect.

It means offering the other person their basic dignity and value in their inviolable right given by God, whilst also acknowledging that people can and do change. Instead, it is crucial to start gently, with acknowledging the goodness of the other person as well as the value of the relationship in order to separate the person from the behaviour and to preserve each other’s dignity. Thus we make it easier for the other person to hear us out.

Taking Accountability, Apologising and Repairing

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)

Remorse, regret, rumination — I wish I’d handled that better.

How often have we all felt that way initially yet end up with our mind starting to find fault with the other party instead ?

When we adopt the position of them being to blame, or ask ourselves why they don’t realise or aren’t aware of their own behaviours or beliefs, we end up looking for the proverbial plank in the eye of the other person, which often means we miss out on seeing the plank in our own eye.

Getting tied up with what the other person is saying or doing, we fail to assess our own role in the situation, as it’s very easy to justify our own behaviour in the situation and only take our intention into account, while we miss out on offering the same forgiveness and compassion to the other person.

Another crucial area to honestly assess is our role in the dynamic, the impact of our actions or speech, and to also consider the chances of our read of the situation simply being inaccurate. We can assess if this view is incorrect, and this can be different from saying ‘I am wrong’ or ‘you are wrong’. This allows us to look at the situation to see what we can do differently in order to reset it.

“The worm of conscience may terrify against a wicked life..
Forsake sin [errors], before sin forsakes you” (The Canterbury Tales, G. Chaucer)

We can acknowledge the part we had to play and admit where we had erred without defending, explaining, excusing, or rationalising. By honouring the other person’s experience by accepting how it made them feel, e.g. disappointed or upset it opens the door to repair.

The next step is to chart out a better course for the future by outlining what we want to work on and what we would do next time. Here it is important to honour the rights of the other party without minimising, blaming, or thinking or saying that they should be different or that they shouldn’t have taken offence. Equally, it is important for the other party to offer grace and reciprocate with understanding and clear communication without using anything as ammunition, i.e. acting in good faith.

Being More Just, Merciful and Choosing to Forgive

The Qur’an mentions proportional justice which, if this principle isn’t put into practice, quite often ends up in a situation where the party that got hurt initially retaliates in a much more disproportionate manner. However, forgiveness and letting go of ill will is always mentioned as the better option in the Qur’an. Turning to the attributes of God e.g The All-Forgiving (Al-Ghafur) or All-Just (Al-Hakim) we can seek to embody the attribute with better action, and transform ourselves through moral restraint.

“وجزاء سيئة سيئة مثلها فمن عفا واصلح فاجره على الله”
“The reward of an injury is an injury equal to it, but if a person forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from God…” (42:40)

In Mistakes were Made (Tavris & Aronson), the person contributing to pain often minimises the injury and experiences the victim’s response as excessive. The injured person experiences the pain as a bigger deal and may escalate when it is not validated. This can lead to more self-justifying retaliation and then deepens the cycle of revenge.

In Islam, there are multiple concepts that enlighten us to act justly and with mercy towards others. Having positive regard for others means that we affirm their potential for growth and have other explanations available for their behaviour besides assuming their primary goal was to do evil or to harm.

Invoking God and asking for help and healing means that we honour the hurt part of ourselves rather than ‘exiling’ it.

Spiritual Discipline

“ادفع بالتي هي احسن فاذا الذي بينك وبينه عداوة كانه ولي حميم…”
“…repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend” (41:34)

When we cultivate wisdom, love, justice, and courage, we can assess the best way to resolve conflict and to respond with grace rather than acrimony or bitterness.

A power higher than us can offer us grace, healing, understanding, and forgiveness in order to alchemise frustration, anger, and hurt. This can produce the fruits of acceptance, openness, and reconciliation.

This is achievable through:

  • Practising vigilance of emotions, thoughts, and behaviour (muraqabah through meditation and mindfulness)
  • Processing events, taking account (muhasabah through journalling or debriefing)
  • Contemplating correct action (tafakkur)
  • Remembering God (Dhikr)
  • Supplicating for guidance and wisdom (Dua).

Personally, what I’ve found really effective is genuinely wishing well for the other person and approaching situations with humility, creativity, self-awareness, and humour.

Conclusion

Ultimately, it is our responsibility to cultivate these practices and notice the times when we will inevitably slip. Our ability to resolve conflicts through understanding the spiritual, social, psychological, and physical dimensions of conflict is key to healthy relationships.

The topic of resolving conflict has such depth and breadth that this could continue further.

“this discourse hath no end…” ‘Mathnawi’, Jalaludin Rumi.

That said we can strive to put these eternal principles of wisdom, love, and justice into practice, to learn from each experience, and to resolve conflict as best as we can.

Further Reading

To further explore conflict, communication, and personal growth:

  • Carl Rogers – Becoming a Person
  • Stephen Covey – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
  • Tavris & Aronson – Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)
  • Geoffery Chaucer – The Canterbury Tales
  • Rumi – Mathnawi
  • Dr. Abdullah Rothman – Developing an Islamic Model of Psychotherapy
  • Lao Tzu – Tao Te Ching